you’ll find me here. waiting. patiently.
where to go. who to be. what to say. all for the hope of maybe. one day. i’ll stand. with arms high. and heart abandoned. stranded. but landed. in the hope. hope of eternity.
i’d cry pretty please. with a cherry on top.
help me to bare it. long enough to withstand it.
tomorrow- one day closer to destiny. you bring out the best in me.
everything, you are.
What have i become?
Jesus Christ hear my prayer. I love you more than I know how to put into words. And you love me more.
I’ve been everywhere. And the only place I want to be is in your arms. But i can’t feel your arms. Where. Are. Youuuu. I am a child. I need you. I am a severely needy child, God. I want to be swaddled in your grace and love and comfort and hope.
My hope and strength will remain in you, Jesus. Not in this world will i find something that brings me more hope. If i fall a million times, i’ll still come back to you. I will fall. And I can’t be afraid of falling again. Be my everything. Strip me of all my impurities and make me into something wholly. and holy. Forever you’ll be the love of my life. Your love is a mystery to me and i don’t understand it. Teach me to love your children fiercely. No matter how painful it is. No matter how much my heart is torn. Teach me. I’m afraid to pray these prayers, but i will. I must. With you, i will have no fear. Because you are in me. And i am in you. And i am capable of loving like you. For you did not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self-control. And i can do this. Satan is defeated. And you are the Victor. My victor.
My hope.
I will shout it from the moutains. I will tell the world. I will do what you want. Here i am. Take me apart. Destroy me. So you can rebuild me into a temple that’s worthy of your love.
I’m still here. Waiting. And I’ll wait until my body gives out.
I’m ready when you are.
Light bulbs–
They make gray become shine. And bring bright to our lives. It’s like that song you learned in Sunday school–This little light of mine, you always hope you’re gonna let shine.
Try as I might [let it shine], electricity is powerful. And sometimes it just flat out stings. Zaps you right out of nowhere. The current of life can send so many charged particles your heart becomes singed in a moment.
My faith is like a light bulb. I’m the bulb. Christ the chord. Without the chord, I’m just the bulb. Useless.
This season of my life has been one of many, many lessons. I’ve been strung out in the electric field. So much so, that I’ve exhausted myself. I’ve stretched my chord so tight, the wires frayed and the power surged and my bulb blew out. And I have been devastated. Devastated not because I might no longer have a light. No. In faith, we have an endless supply, but because I, myself, had stretched the chord. I tested it. I played games to see how far my chord would go. The chord didn’t fray because it wasn’t capable of going the distance. It frayed because of my own power surge. I didn’t trust that Christ’s power was enough. I trusted my own power. I made incompetent adapters. And so, inevitably, things misfired. And the surge occurred.
I think we always reach a point where we think we’ve learned it all. By nature, we are a prideful people. But when the power surges and your wires fry, approach it as a blessing. And remind yourself that we will never learn all there is to know. And that. is a very. good. thing.
How great is our God. Who is so infinite. And so incredible. He can never be fully learned.
Our lights will always shine when Christ is the generator. Let him have the power.
you can let it shine…
It’s the falling of colorful leaves that bring it. When the air is crisp and clean. And the skies are gray. And the strangers walking are perfect displays of emotion– frightened. jubilant. merely existing.
The wind blows quickly past. Swoops you up. Surprises. Comforts or leaves you with nothing. And in that moment- your whole life is above you in the breeze. Dancing around up there as to remind you. Come what may, we are mists for a moment. Fleeting vapors.
And when our day is done and we dissolve, we’ll stand and account for our vapors.
So hold no love back. And bet all of it on the hope of eternity– where mist isn’t evaporable.
i want you more than i want to live another day.
i can’t hear you. but something tells me you hear every word i pray. i don’t know what it is to feel like this. i’m every bit of human. and i don’t want to be human anymore.
i’m trying. so hard. to hear you. and either i’ve gone suddenly deaf. or i’m a fraud. and maybe that’s the lesson. i don’t even know what the lesson is. i don’t know anything. i want you so badly. i want to hear you. and i want you to hold me. and i only want you. and not a soul down here. because the souls down here hurt me. and i hurt them. and i can’t take it.
what is it that i’m living for? i have accumulated an immeasurable amount of blessings. and i’m worthy of none. i want to shed my shallow skin. i can’t tell if this is real or surreal or unreal.
sing to me. speak to me. i’m begging you to talk to me. maybe i can only do that if i lose me. i don’t know what it will take.
every word has been said before. and nothing is original. it’s been said. it’s been heard. so what makes any of it worthwhile? i’m searching all over. and i thought i had it, but maybe i am wrong.
my eyes were once full. and filled with sparkle. and now they’re just wet. and cloudy.
maybe my heart knows something i don’t.
where. are. you.
sing me to sleep. talk down the walls. and look through the windows. and be the theif i give the key to.
I’ll do anything. anything.
i want to be nothing but real and raw.
break into my heart, because i’ll let you.
there’s a time to rewind. and think. not because you miss those days. or want to go back. but because who you are is not who you’ve been. you have been– that. once. but you’re not a has been. twice. three times. a lady. praise him. for that.
a time to cry. a time to laugh. slowwwww down. children are at play. each day is a new day. embrace the world. bless it. protect it. redeem. and heal. these band-aided hearts.
i tell you, my friend. your beauty is fiercely felt. and your pain even more. when you hurt, i hurt. i feel it. in my bones. i’d do anything to bare it. for you. and so would he. love for humanity. my siblings. shared blood. his blood. the most amazing, blazing thing of amazing grace: the eternal chance to give it out.
live in the water, the living water, you little fish. you won’t go thirsty. if you’re a fish. trees of life. come to life. mother earth. father heaven. he’s up to something. be excited.
recycle.restore.reconcile.renew. YOU.
remind yourself….
Your guess is as good as mine. I have no blog direction. I’ll just write what the keys type.
It’s 1am. And I’m too awake to sleep– though every fiber in my body wants to do so. Isn’t it ironic.
I spent most of my childhood naked as a jaybird. No cares. No worries. Pure freedom. If you know me, this will come as no surprise. Having 50 acres of forests and fields to my sister and myself allowed such. Insecurites didn’t exist. Nor did wedgies or tan lines. Those were the days, my friend. Those were the days.
I’m not sure where I went astray since the days when that freedom rang.
I. want. to. be. NAKED. again. I want to be naked now and for always. Unfortunately for myself, but fortunately for any viewer, literally speaking, civilized society is not a conducive environment for jaybirds. However, my heart and mind can and should be naked. Completely stripped. No more cover-ups. No longer clothed. Simply naked. I’m going back to the basics.
Naked never felt so good. Seriously.
*I’m Switzerland when it comes to Peta. Neutral. Neither for or against. I just liked the naked part.
GET NAKED.
I’ve heard it said that every saint has a past. And thankfully, every sinner– a future.
There is a small part of me that cringes, at the fact, most of my posts have been redundantly religious. I’m not sure what that means. I do know, however, I’m obsessed. Consumed– with love. From my faceted fingers to the tips of my toes.
I’m a fool. For love. An absolute, utter fool. I’m not talking romance. I’m talking everything but. The love of people. And planet. And the plague of passion of the combined.
It will sound mad. It will sound crazy. It simply will:
Love is my struggle. The thing I wrestle with at night as I crash my head down on any pillow. When to stop. When to let go. When to try. When to keep on. When it’s too much. When it’s necessary. When it’s not. I’ve been searching for the balance; some sort of love-scale equilibrium. I’ve even been so desperate as to pray that God split my loving capacity in half. Even in quarters. Make it 100ths if need be. Just do something.
Prayers later: I’m still that fool. Practically a mad(wo)man. It’s fine. Whatever.
I’ve always been a slow learner. I’ve never even been able to master the steps to the electric slide.
It’s because of this turtle-pace of learning, I’m only now realizing, Christ, in no way, desires for me to love his people less– As long as I’m loving him more. And more. And more.
That being said, we must learn to love the fools within ourselves. The fool who, often, feels too much, says more than needed or is silent, takes too many chances or not enough, wins sometimes, but loses often, lacks discipline, hurts and gets hurt, promises and then breaks them, loves too little or maybe loves too much.
Love yourself. Love your fool.
It’s no longer a secret. It may shock you. It might even disgust you. But it is what it is. And so it was; And so it goes:
There was a time in my life when I believed I had to carve the love out. Let it bleed– bleeding love. I was fooled.
The beauty of it all: You came here for the rescue of us all. No one loves me like you. Or the way you do.
Love is fine. Just where it is. Within.
