I have to keep screaming until they hear me out.

                SPONGE.

                                                                      Absorbing it all. Soaking it up. Momentarily clogging up the pores of my being– my brain. and my ♥ .

Yesterday, it all started with three numbers:

                                           …608 

And then a sit down dinner at 4845 Chelmsbury. Complete with the holding of 10 hands and 1 prayer. Full of eats, drinks and merriness.

Followed by that thing that happens on occasion at the most arbitrary of times– unscheduled, unexpected, unprepared and completely consumed. And drenched.

Like a SPONGE.

The only way I know how to explain it is this: A blip in the science of time. A portal into something outside of my soul and inside of my maker’s. The abc’s of what it must be like: afflicted, burdened and consumed. It’s not human. It’s spiritual. And for a moment, every fiber of my being is broken and given an opportunity to experience the magnitude of what he must feel.

For that moment, i am: sobbing, heavy burdened, abandoned, broken, crippled and ridden with intense, all-consuming pain. Pain that hurts so deeply that you no longer can feel it. And that’s when i scream to Him until He hears me because I (think) I can no longer bare it. I scream at Him to take me home. I scream at Him to come back for us and end it all. End the goodbyes, end the heartache, end the distance, end the loneliness, end the evil, end it. And I’m angry. I’m angry because I don’t understand why everyone I love can’t (be in the same place with me. United. Together. Forever. In one, single house).

And that’s when the resolution comes. Right when I’m on the edge of glory. Right when I (think) I might explode and/or implode the countless cells that make up this body my soul resides within….

I realize.

I’ve experienced for a moment, outside the walls of TIME, a portal into something OUTSIDE of MY SOUL and INSIDE my maker’s, what HE is, in fact, feeling.

I am feeling it. I am feeling His very, all-consuming anguish. I’m being given an opportunity to experience and understand His

                                    LOVE & MERCY.

There are still goodbyes because he’s waiting on EVERYONE to make the decision to say hello to him.

There is still distance because we haven’t arrived into that room where we’re all, at last, TOGETHER.

And He hasn’t returned yet because He LOVES you, precious child. He loves you enough to let you endure all the loneliness, and the heartbreak, and the pain, and the torture, and the depression, and the injustice, and the evil. Why? Because He’ll let the dark continue until we’ve been shown the light.

 He wants to be absolutely sure we’ve each been given MULTIPLE chances to choose Him.

 He wants to make sure he can capture as many souls as He can with His love.

 So when he returns to say hello, he’ll have everyone that He LOVES (in the same place with Him. United. Together. Forever. In one, single house).

Brothers and sisters, let’s be strong & hold on. And go out to wherever we are in this world and help Him bring every. single. soul. out of the darkness. The quicker we do this, the quicker we can ALL be in the same place. with Him. United. Together. Forever.

 As an Office Host, I hear lots of tall tales. And, unfortunately, prior to Jennifer, I had unknowingly developed a toxic level of cynicism. Therefore, leading me to believe, she’d just be another story-teller.

 Little did I know.

 Jennifer is 29 years old. She has 4 children: Christin 8, Hailey 7, Olivia 2, and John, Jr. who is 11 months. Four months ago, her fiancé John, the father of her two youngest children was in a serious car accident while on the job and suffered a debilitating brain injury—leaving him with less than half of his brain function. In order to care for her 4 children and her newly disabled fiancé, Jennifer was forced to quit her job.  With no income and no way to pay rent, Jennifer would be evicted from her home the following Wednesday.

 I, apathetically, gave Jennifer some numbers to call for assistance and explained to her that if she came back the next day, there might be someone she could speak with about receiving help. She took the information and left.

As I was closing down shop for the day, I sent up a quick prayer asking if God would help me to discern if she was being truthful. I also asked if he’d show me a sign of her character. I didn’t think much more about it.

As I was following Sara Willison out of the parking lot, Her and I both noticed a car wreck at the intersection of Harrodsburg and Brannon. When I got closer, I realized Jennifer was standing beside the wreck. Sara and I both got out of our cars to check on her. Jennifer explained that she had not been in the wreck, she just stopped to help the people that had.

I took that as the answer to my quick prayer. 4’10 Jennifer, an unemployed mother of 4, with a brain injured fiance and no dollar to her name, stopped to help strangers.

Surely, I could do the same.

The next day, Jennifer & John and her 4 kids came back in. Sara Willison and I spent some time getting to know them. Jennifer went more in-depth with her story. She was completely transparent and completely broken. She was tired, hopeless, embarrassed she was asking for help and most of all, lonely. She said she had no food for her kids and no diapers to change the babies.

I had just finished ordering a new pair of shoes that I liked. I felt sick. And decided that the least I could do would be to get her kids some diapers and enough groceries for the week.

So, I did. On Saturday morning, I got up, got her some groceries and took them to her house. Her house was immaculate. Her children were unbelievably well-mannered and thankful. And when I was helping Jennifer put the groceries away, she looked at me and the only thing I could see was Jesus. And that’s when I knew, It was my duty to get her out of this situation.

On Monday morning I joined forces with KJ, Max Appel, Steve Kohlman, Sara Willison, Candy and Charlie. Not to sound cliché, but I couldn’t have done it without them. I absolutely couldn’t have. They have each been so helpful and so encouraging. And I have seen a part of Jesus in each one of them. They have refreshed my faith in ways unimaginable. They gave without even being emotionally invested or truly knowing Jennifer’s story. They are saints. They are God’s people.

After lots of calling around, lots of dead ends, lots of discouragement from the renting side of things, Sara Willison sent me a link to a property. A woman named Debbie answered. Debbie was a broker for the Cornett family. The Cornetts had been praying that someone with a story like Jennifer’s would move into their property. The Cornetts are members of Southern Acres and they immediately said they would like their kids to be playmates with Jennifer’s. It was perfect.

After the lease was signed, Debbie the Realtor took me aside and said that she had been so encouraged by Jennifer’s story. She said it was inspiring. And she asked if she could be involved with more cases like Jennifer’s through Southland.
I had witnessed the ripple effect first hand.

Jennifer and I got her family moved into their new place the night they were supposed to be evicted from their previous home. Jennifer was also a partial Dollar Club recipient. This has bought her enough time to find a job that is flexible and will allow her to care for her children and fiance.

I’ve known Jennifer and her family for over a month now. We have had several conversations about Jesus. She always tells me she can’t believe Jesus heard her prayers and answered them.

I, absolutely, can believe he heard her desperate prayers. What I can’t believe is that I got to be a part of it. I’m the lucky one in all of this. Sometimes I wonder if the mission wasn’t Jennifer, but the mission was me?

I have been given a whole new perspective.

Our God is glorious.

I’m no different.
Upon graduating college, I’ve found myself to be swimming around in a whirlpool of career choices and different directions with a blinking sign above my head screaming,

                          CHOOSE WISELY.

That’s three years, people. Three whole years of being reminded every day that I was not the News Reporter I spent four grueling, tiresome years preparing to be.

Who was I, If I was not who I was supposed to be? I knew who i was

                                  IN CHRIST  

But who was I outside of that? I realize it sounds contradictory to ask yourself that question. If you know who you are in Christ, what does it matter who you are outside of Him?     

It mattered to me. 

And I think that’s okay to admit.

It mattered to me that instead of pursuing a career in American Journalism where I’d be thrown into a perilous position of adventure and heartache(s), where I’d feel alive with adrenaline and change and excitement,  I was instead:

 A  phony French Baker’s scapegoat.  And then a 2-year Nanny/jack-of-all-trades. And now a sedentary receptionist with the occasional encounter of human-in-crisis.

And that’s all good and well. I’m fine to be or go or do whatever the Lord wants of me. However, I’d like to exercise my passions on occasion. I need an outlet. Or several. Preferably creative ones.

  There have been countless lessons learned in all these experiences. These experiences are just not what I had expected.

[I think they should change the title Great Expectations to NO Expectations].       

Noooooooooo. I’m not looking at the glass half-empty. I’m just saying, don’t expect your life to turn out exactly how you expected. A life following Christ should expect MORE than any expectations you’ve thought of for yourself.

So here I am. At a crossroads. Come October, I’m about to embark on a journey of a lifetime. A journey I’ve been waiting for. A journey I never would have expected.

California, here we come.

(For your hearing pleasure:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq-S8CIU7VA).

(or even this:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZVSEWMurgU).

(and who could forget, my favorite:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0UcQDUR-fU).

And the beauty of it all is, I finally realized I’ve been in the field of Journalism this whole time. It’s not been American, but it’s been better. It’s Jesus Journalism. And, honestly, there’s no story I’d rather tell. Or no subject I’d rather report on.

Let’s report for duty. Let’s tell His story.

“For this week, I have been led to challenge us with the simple word, “Joy”.  It seems like much of what I’ve been reading and studying in the last 12 days has been emphasizing the fruit of joy in our lives as Christ-followers.  I read a quote that says, “Joy is a person and His name is Jesus.”  As I processed that, I felt the weight behind this statement.  When I am not expressing joy, when I’m not walking in joy, when I’m not living joyfully, then I’m not expressing Jesus.  I’m not walking in Jesus.  I’m not living Jesus-fully.

Think about how joy is produced as a fruit in your life.  If it helps, make a list of all of the ways you have expressed joy recently.  Maybe on the other side of the page, make a list of all of the times where you have sensed zero joy….times when you expressed anything but joy.  Which list is longer?  What’s that say about the fruit of joy in your life?  What’s that say about Jesus in your life?

This is our prayer focus for the week.  Pray for joy.  Pray for an indescribable joy that is seen on your face, in your eyes, in your responses to people, in your requests from people, in your actions with your hands and feet, in your thoughts.  Pray that when people walk away from you, they are thanking God for the joy that they’ve experienced in you.  Because, after all, if joy truly is a person and His name is Jesus, don’t we want more joy?  More of Him?  

Pray with all kinds of intensity this week that you will be a person of joy….that WE will be a PEOPLE of joy.  The world (and even our co-workers!) needs to experience true joy and we have it.  We just have to share it.  Pray that Galatians 4:15 can never be asked about us – “What has happened to all your joy?”

Thanks for taking the time to pray this week.  It is the most important thing we can do.
 

Romans 15:13 – “May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
1 Peter 1:8 – “….you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious JOY…”

#bestteamontheplanet

– -Chris

So i took matters into my own hands. and ended up with him. HIM who displayed the characteristics of a cheater. A liar. An abuser. And a thief.

So why was I surprised when he broke into my heart? I called 911, but i was cardiac arrested for aiding and a bettin’ cause it was me who let. Him. In.

Claimin’ we were “just friends” it was already decided for me by the first date that even if he wasn’t I was gonna make him. THE ONE.

You know, I was tired of being alone and I, simply made up in my mind that it was about that time. So i decided to drag him along for the ride. Cause i was always the bridesmaid. AND NEVER THE BRIDE.

AH. Virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner. And he was tired of the wait. So i was gonna make him the ONE.

He had a form of godliness. but not much.

But hey, hey i can CHANGE him. So i’ll take him. I mean… he’s close… enough.

Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter. Not knowing the value of what use to be. Arteries so clogged with MY WILL it blocked HIS WILL from flowing through me.

So i thank

CHRIST.

That his blood pressured this heart. ATTACKED. that flatlined my obscured vision. Put me flat on my back.

Through my ignorance, he SAWED through my sternum. He SAWED and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10. A new HEART. And a renewed, right spirit within. So now i FULLY understand. BETTER YET, i thoroughly comprehend how much i NEED. TO. WAIT…

… for YOU.

See… the bad thing is that i KNEW he wasn’t you from the beginning. Cause in the BEGINNING was the WORD. And he didn’t even sound or SHINE like your SON.

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And all he could whisper were sweet. empty. NOTHINGS.

Which meant NOTHING.

He couldn’t even pray when i needed him to. Asking him to fast would be absurd. So forget about being cleansed and washed with water through the word.

But i know you. You are already praying for me. Even having never met me, let me assure you. I. WILL. WAIT. FOR. YOU.

I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of you to appease my BOREDOM or to quench my thirsty desire for attention and short-lived compliments from sorta-kindas.

You know he SORTA-KINDA right, but SORTA-KINDA WRONG. His first name LUKE. His last name WRONG.

iiiiiii…. WON’T settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms. attempting to find some closeness, but never feeling so. far. apart. cause… i just wanna be held.

Cause all i gotta do is say…. NO.

No more almost sessions. of almost coming close. Passing winks. And buying drinks. And i’ma i’ma i’ma FLIRT.

… who FLIRTS with the ideology of “can you just tell me how much i can get away with and still be saved?”

NO MORE.

I’ll stay in my bed. ALONE. And write poems. About how I WILL. WAIT. FOR. YOU.

He won’t even come close. Our fingers won’t even interlock. We won’t even exchange breath, cause i have thoughts that i’ve saved as a file God has only equipped YOU to open.

I will no longer get weighted down from so-called friends and family talks about the CONCERN FOR MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK… WHEN I SERVE the AUTHOR OF TIME. Who is not subject TO time, but i am subject TO HIM.

He has the ability to stop. Fast forward. Pause. Or rewind. At ANY GIVEN TIME. So if we could role play, you would be Abraham and i would be Sarah.

Or you could be Isaac and I could be Rebecca. A servants answer to prayer. I am BONE of your bone. Flesh of your flesh. Made up of your rib, ADAM!

And once we meet, like ELECTRONS, I will be bound to your nucleus. Completely indivisible, ATOM.

We will even speak the same MATH.

1+1+1= 3, which really equals 1 if you ADD ‘EM.

We were ALL created in HIS image, but you have the ability to reflect, project and even detect… THE SON.

If i were to explain what you looked like you would have to look like a STAR. A son of the sun. I would gain energy simply from the LIGHT that you shine on me. I would need you in order to complete my PHOTOSYNTHESIS.

I await your REVELATION. But once again, from the GENESIS.

I. WILL. WAIT. FOR. YOU.

And i will know you.

 Because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom. Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God’s word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart of God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph. And your ability to abandon your own will, WILL remind me of the Disciples. But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of

CHRIST.

But i won’t need to identify you by any special math you use or any special marks. Cause HIS word will be tatted all over YOUR HEART.

And you will know ME. And you will find me where the boldness of Esther meets the warm, closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary. Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah.

I will be THE ONE. Drenched in Proverbs 31. Waiting for you…

But to my Father. My Father who has known me before i was birthed into this Earth.

Only if you should see fit… I desire your will ABOVE mine. So even if you call me to a life of singleness. My heart will be CONTENT. With you, the ONE WHO WAS SENT.

YOU. Are the greatest love story ever TOLD.

The greatest love EVER KNOWN.

You are forever my judge and i am forever your WITNESS.

And i pray that i’m always found on a mission about my father’s BUSINESS. I will always be YOURS. And i will always wait. for. you. LORD.

More than the watchmen wait for the morning. MORE THAN the WATCHMEN wait for the morning.

I. WILL. WAIT.

(SO WHAT. if i got bored. and watched a video which included beat poetry and Jesus. So what if i wrote the whole thing down. i love this. and it was worth my time).

Oh, you’ll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up.

It’s hard. It is hard. But you gotta keep your head up.

Only rainbows after rain. The sun will always come again. It’s circling.  Around again. It comes around again.

 
-Andy Grammer.

The thing about death is it reminds you the story we are telling has finality.

Heaven is outside of time.

[I wonder if life could be lived more like a good story in the first place. I wonder whether a person could plan a story for his life and live it intentionally].

He said our interaction with each other, with the outside world, and with tangible elements such as time, made us different people every season.

We get stuck thinking we are one kind of person. But we aren’t. We are not who we were in February.

We were designed to live through something rather than attain something. And the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us. The point of a story is the character arc, the CHANGE.

…a character is what she does.

Do not create an Eden on Earth.

Write a good (life) story. Get up off the couch. And take somebody with you.

BOOM.

My mind is racing with thoughts and ideas and firing synapses of all the ways I could write the world’s problems away and say things that have never been said and deliver the epiphany of all epiphanies to the human race…

…And i can’t get to my journal quick enough. And by the time I begin to write said epiphanies down, they’ve left me. Like the fleeting of time.  And I am back to where i began in the beginning.

“He never complicates an idea by overthinking it, unlike Mirabelle, who spins a cocoon around an idea until it is immobile.”

… And I’m left to blog about uninteresting, uninspiring, inconsistent thoughts. Like such:

i

have

decided.

i spend far too much time thinking about fictitious fantasies (most likely an oxymoron) in films. I think about stories. And wonder about stories. And pretend to play out these stories. As if they were my own…

STORY.

The irony of all this is: I just recently finished a book called  A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Basically, Miller writes about how it’s time for us to get off the couch and write our story. Going back to the fictitious fantasies in films thing– I’ve found that these very ff in f’s are inhibiting and crippling my very own… story.

DECISION:

LESS planning.
MORE doing.

              +

LESS THINKING.

MORE PRAYING.

              =

MORE STORY.

MORE

♥.